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By Phares Mutembei
July 30, 2010
One would think that deception and manipulation in the dating game ends at high school, but no. For men, sex is still a conquest that requires strategy and tact, even if this means telling a few lies or glazing over the truth.
And women, much as they have been sexually liberated, still fall for the oldest lies in the book, probably because they will always be sensitive to the words men speak and have to make a conscious effort not to respond to flattery or believe a lie.
Have you ever been taken on a ride by a man? Do you feel that he led you on, only to dump you after getting what he wanted? Let's explore a few lies you should look out for and why men lie.
Martin, 32, is a self-confessed habitual liar who confesses to having lied on countless occasions to get sex with different women.
The stealth and smooth-tongued hunter boasts success with his prey, saying : "I am single and unemployed. How else would I get sex if I don't bend the truth? No woman wants a broke bloke these days so normally I portray myself as a financially stable and ambitious young professional. I have found that dressing and talking the part gets me sure victory," he says.
Kiema, 28, is employed at a boutique in Nairobi's downtown. He says it is normal for both men and women to use deception to boost their chances of getting some action.
He has previously lied to get sex. He remembers a particular incident when at a bar, his roving eye landed on a lone lady fiddling with a half-empty glass.
"I don't know what motivated my next action but I found myself smiling seductively at her. When she returned the smile, that was a clear sign of interest. So as I walked past her towards the toilet, I hazarded a greeting and she accepted it," Kiema smiles.
He says that he joined her, a bit apprehensive that she was a high-maintenance high-flier and he might fall short of her expectations.
"I waited until the drinks wore off her resistance and found out that she was marketing manager at an insurance company. When she handed me her business card, I lied to her that I owned five exhibition stalls within the CBD. She seemed impressed by my dressing, so she swallowed it. A week later, she was still regaled by my tales about shipping trips in Dubai and China. We ended up in bed before a month was over, but I had to feign business and meet her in town, as my little bachelor pad would have given me away," he says.
After the fun, Kiema says he went under the radar, and dreads ever meeting her in town.
Creating a false image
Kiema poses, "In my opinion if the sex is consensual it doesn't matter if it's attained by deception. If it were made a crime I would not be the only one in prison, most people, mostly men will be in."
Kiema says that most men lie by creating an image of themselves that is larger than life or, at least, much larger that who they are.
Says he: "You may not catch a habitual liar, but look out for a lot of name-dropping, when he claims he is on first-name basis with some important person. Also, he will usually inflate his earnings and flatter his exes — he makes them seem more beautiful and successful, thus making himself look better."
Aysha, 25, says she met a man who deceived her by making her believe he was Moslem.
Says she: "If I had my way he would be rotting in jail. He made me believe a lie and I ended up having sex with him. He deceived me to think he is a Muslim and he took me to bed, twice. I liked him the moment he approached me and introduced himself as Mohammed. We became friends and one thing led to another and we ended up in his bed. He even said he was going to marry me. Later my friends advised me to check him out and that is when I discovered he was a fraud," says a bitter Aysha.
Married men When it comes to the married men, the lies are a dime a dozen. He might say that his wife does not satisfy him sexually or that you are his true soulmate and he loves you or that he will leave her for you. Many a married man will want to have his cake and eat it. He will even remove his ring for you, but his wife will get another version of the story, about it being too tight or lost or something.
However, if he sticks with you even long after getting sex, he may just be serious about it, and if he is honest about not loving his wife, you should be very worried because you might have a mess on your hands.
Reverse psychology is yet another ploy. A classic lie men use, says Derick, 29, is "we will not do it", especially if they realise that the woman has strict boundaries.
The nice guy lie
"When I meet a prude, I will pretend that I'm not even interested in sex. Then I will lead her on using suggestive statements and gestures. But the trick is, when she starts warming up, I have to stick to my guns and tell her we are not supposed to do it. Eventually, she will believe you are some kind of saint and feel so safe with you that she will be the one begging for it," he says.
Derick says that men lie to make women happy and earn their trust.
"Sometimes the truth does not get you anywhere," he says.
Women, he says, like to be told that they are loved, special and beautiful. "It does not cost a thing to lie that she is the most adorable thing that you ever saw. The lie gets results and some women are so fragile and hungry for attention that they lap it all up" he says.
But Aysha points out that some lies cause harm to the partner, for example if a man lies that he is single or if he hides the fact that he has an STI.
"Such men should face the full force of the law," she says.
Yet there are some exaggerations that men use that women should not fall for, advises Purity, 30.
Men portray themselves as studs all the time, yet they disappoint when ‘the rubber meets the road'. They promise the stars and deliver nothing but a colourless performance and heavy snoring soon after.
Purity especially warns against long distance relationships, saying that men are always the winners while women lose.
"He will assure you that there is no other woman, but while you are saving yourself for him, he is probably getting some action between the sheets halfway across the world. He just wants to make sure his duck lies waiting," she warns.
Reasons Why Men Lie
1. To save face so that he does not appear stupid.
2. To get out of doing something.
3. To avoid embarrassment.
4. To prove a point, especially if his honour is at stake.
5. Because he feels small when belittled or made to feel bad about himself. He will boast of things that are not true, even if others are likely to see right through the ruse.
6. To avoid punishment.
7. To get something they want.
8. To make themselves seem better. He will lie about things that did happen, but he wishes didn't. Men lie in hope of causing others to see them in a better light.
9. To protect themselves from any sort of harm, emotional, or physical. Also, by extension, they will lie to protect those they care about too.
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